the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
