Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
