Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
