I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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