WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
