I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
