Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
