Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
We need to rekindle our bromance
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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