apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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