she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
