So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
