He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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