I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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