I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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