Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
