Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
