My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
