you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
