I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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