we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
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