I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
