Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
