I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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