Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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