How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
