If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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