Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
