Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
