I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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