dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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