I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
