What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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