It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
