Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
