Moan for me like Helen Keller
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
