I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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