I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
