I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
