Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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