Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
