Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
