No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
