dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
