They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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