Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
