It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
