finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
