i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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