last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
