dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Randomize
