I cannot find my penis.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
