Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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