No stitches, just platelets and will power
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
